


Straight Through Me

by anenigmaticsmile



Series: Straight Through Me Universe [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 23:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anenigmaticsmile/pseuds/anenigmaticsmile
Summary: On their first anniversary, Kai goes through an album of Baekhyun's memories.





	Straight Through Me

A thin black leather-bound book sits on the coffee table. Kai walks over and picks it up, the leather feeling cool in his hand as he falls backwards into his grey couch, too-soft cushions swallowing him up. “To one year” is printed in Baekhyun's neat handwriting against the gold title plate on the inside cover. A nose at his knee keeps him from turning to the first page.

Kai reaches out and scratches at Kongju's ears. “You want to sit with me, girl?”

She whines and bumps her nose into his hand, earning another scratch and a little laugh.

“Come on, girl. Up!” He pats the seat as he gives the command. Kongju barely has to stretch as she heaves her body onto the couch.

As she curls into his side, nose resting on his lap, he turns the page. The picture on the page snags his eyes first, but he passes over it quickly; he'll look at it later. It's the silvered handwriting that takes his attention now, and his fingers trace over the raised ink as he starts to read, quickly falling to scratch at Kongju. Baekhyun's printing has always been so neat, and this is no different. _It was hot_ , it begins.

 

It was hot; the sun was yellow and they really should have been wearing sunglasses. But they were stupid college boys and it wasn't like they'd _planned_ to play football. At least, most of them hadn't planned to play today. Minseok and Luhan seemed a little _too_ prepared for the pick-up game, already having teams chosen and summoning a ball from thin air, but those two were always ready to play, so there really was no telling.

It was a good game, the first five minutes. Then, Baekhyun tripped over a spectacular pass. He fell heavily, clutching his ankle, whimpering at the pain. Play ground to a confused halt as the ball just disappeared. Suho ran over, sweaty and exhausted despite having done absolutely nothing useful on the field. He knelt down, taking Baekhyun's ankle in hand, carefully turning it back and forth. Baekhyun whined at the treatment, slapping at the man's hands.

“That hurts!”

Setting the foot down, Suho rocked back onto his heels. “I can't help if you won't let me look at it.”

“Do you even know what you're looking at?” Baekhyun scowled, wincing as his own fingers probed at his ankle. “Get Lay to look at it.”

Lay was pushed forward, face blank in confusion. It wasn't too hard to recognize the situation, though. A quick, gentle roll of the joint in his hands had him saying, “That's a bad sprain. You should sit off of that for a while, and ice it when you get the chance.”

“But Luhan's team's creaming us!”

“You're not going to make that much of a difference. Sit out,” Kyungsoo deadpanned.

Disgruntled, Baekhyun lets Lay help him off to the side, plopping heavily into the grass. There was a rushed discussion behind the two and an unfamiliar face settled down next to him.

“I'm Kai,” the stranger gave a slight bow, one arm resting on his knee, other settled in his lap.

“Kai, get back on the field! Suho will sit out!”

Kai yelled out at the field, “Get back to playing!” Laughing, he turned back to Baekhyun. “Sorry. Luhan's not real happy about losing his best player.”

“You're his best player?”

“You know it. Here,” he pulled Baekhyun's injured leg up onto his own thigh, “you should keep this elevated. It'll help keep the swelling down.” With that, he turned back to the game, careful to touch the other as little as possible.

Baekhyun stared at him, then back at the game. “Looks like losing you didn't hurt them at all,” he muttered, crossing his arms and trying to ignore Kai as much as possible, which was difficult with the positioning of his foot.

Baekhyun sighed. “Luhan's got the ball again. He's running, he's running, he's run – and Minseok steals! It won't last, Luhan's too good – and there's the steal and the ball's going back. It's driving, it's driving, it's driving and there's the kick! There's no way Kris is going to catch – ow. That it looks like it hurt!”

“Hey, announcer,” Kai was smiling, and Baekhyun's stomach flopped at the sight. “Does it count as a goal if the goalie blocks it with his face?”

“No. No, it doesn't,” he scowled back.

“Then I guess you were wrong.” And that disarming smile was back as Kai turned back to the field. “Is it my turn now?” Without waiting for confirmation, Kai started up. “And that's been deemed no goal! The ball's back at play and Minseok's lining up for a penalty kick – apparently giving the goalie a bloody nose is a foul -”

“That's not how to do it.” Baekhyun pursed his lips as he complained, swatting at Kai's arm.

“What, you think you can do better?” From the way Kai's eyebrow raised, this was a direct challenge.

Baekhyun wasn't going to let that one slide. “Minseok's lining up the penalty. He's got a good shot at it, too. Chanyeol's squared up. Minseok kicks and it's – it's in! Minseok ties the game with his first point! And now the ball's back in play and there – they're off. The teams are getting smaller every minute, though, folks! It looks like Sehun's been thrown in as goalie for Team Minseok and Team Luhan's down to four as well.”

“If Team Minseok would stop getting hurt, this game might go a little better,” Kai said in a nasally falsetto.

Baekhyun laughed and continued, pitching his voice up to match. “Don't listen to that! The game is going great! There's some great play on the field, there. Minseok passes to – Luhan. Luhan's intercepted and the ball is now going in the other direction. And Luhan's got it mostly down the field – field's absolutely empty – no, there's Tao coming up behind, looks like he wants the ball. Will Luhan pass it? It looks like he will!”

“No! It's a fake-out! Right at the net and it looks like Sehun's there. No goal! No goal!”

Baekhyun tried on another voice, a deep one that twanged over the words. “Looks like the tides are turning, folks. Tao's pitching a fit, so we'll be back in ten.”

“Do you have a name?” The question was sudden and direct.

Baekhyun jumped at the look Kai was giving him. “What?”

“Do you have a name?” Kai's smile was patient as he repeated the question.

“Yes. Baekhyun.” He was startled and a little nervous and Kai's leg was really warm on his ankle, or maybe that was just the inflammation.

“What do you do when you're not hurt on the sidelines, Baekhyun?”

“Oh, I'm a business major. It's nothing interesting. Lots of numbers and people.” And it sounded just that boring when he said it aloud.

Kai twisted a couple of blades of grass in his fingers. “You seem like you like people.”

“I don't….What do you do?”

“I keep hurt people company, of course.” Baekhyun wasn't sure if Kai's smile intentionally got brighter, but it was almost blinding.

“That's not what I meant!”

Kai laughed at his indignant face. “I know. I'm studying dance.”

“Really?” The excitement was clear in Baekhyun's voice. “Are you any good?”

Kai's face fell. “I'm working really hard, but I'm not good. Not yet.”

“You'll get there.”

A scream from the field interrupted the conversation and the two turned back to the exciting game, commentating the actions on the field in increasingly ridiculous fashion.

 

_Final score: 3-1 Minseok. Not that we noticed._

 

Kai smiles at the memory. Baekhyun's words capture a different side of that day than he had ever seen before. He – Kai – had just been being nice; it was only fair that if Minseok's team lost a good player, Luhan's should as well. And if they were both sitting out, why shouldn't they chat?

He scratches at Kongju's head as he looks at the accompanying photo. The intention of the photo had been to capture Team Minseok in their win (Minseok with his massive smile, hand on Chen's shoulder as Luhan pouted in the background), but a massive lens flare obscured most of the photo; the only thing distinguishable were the two figures sitting in the background. They'd been having such a good time talking over the game that they'd been loathe to get up afterward. Kai remembers helping Baekhyun limp over to the crowd as they discussed where to go for dinner and marveling at the way the pale sun turned a soft gold as it caught in Baekhyun's hair.

Kongju lifts her head and whines as Kai reaches out to turn the page. “It's okay, girl,” he said comfortingly, letting his hand back down to pet her head, “I'll pet you in just a minute.”

She whines again, throwing her head back against his stomach.

“It's okay, girl. Sit still.”

She settles back against him, dropping one of her great paws on her lap along with her head. He chuckles and turns the page, crossing his legs to get more comfortable. He groans at the picture. It's a snapshot of him and Baekhyun – who took it? - playing the pepero game. There was no way they had gotten _that_ close! His eyes track across the page as he shakes his head, honing in on Baekhyun's neat silver penmanship, wondering just what Baekhyun had seen in this moment. The letters shake just a little on the first words, as if Baekhyun had been laughing too hard to hold the pen steady. _Suho spent the night passed out in_ _his bed_ _…_

 

Suho spent the night passed out in his bed. He'd had a few too many drinks; after the third time he fell into the couch trying to find the bathroom, Kris took pity on him and helped him to his room. Taking advantage of Suho's absence, Lay made a blunt appear and passed it around. Tao, temporarily lacking parental supervision, gave it a try. Between coughs, he unleashed a spectacular string of Chinese swears at Lay, and fell back into the wall, looking for someone to protect him.

Between the booze and the weed, they really should have expected the suggestion of truth or dare – and the ensuing game.

It started off fairly calm and relatively decent. The truths slowly became more outrageous and the dares more frequent – give a dance, sing a song, chug a beer – until Luhan took the dare offered him by Chen: kiss Minseok. They weren't out and open with their relationship, but they were obvious enough that the others had suspicions, and maybe it was that fact, maybe it was the drugs, but there was no shame when Luhan kissed Minseok, heavy and open mouthed and way too long for the situation. Suffice it to say that there were no more dares for the two of them.

The highlight of the game was, however, when a very drunk Chanyeol made Kai a dare that he could barely say without choking on his laughter, which really should have been a red flag. “Play the pepero game with Baekhyun.”

Kai wasn't repulsed by the idea, and Baekhyun thought it would be all good fun – or maybe that was the alcohol talking – and suddenly there was a stick of pepero between their mouths.

They were doing very well until Kai could feel Baekhyun's breath on his face and something triggered in his brain and he panicked and broke off the game. Baekhyun was bright red and Kai was sure that was just the alcohol, but he was just as red.

There was a triumphant roar and disappointed sighs as money changed hands.

 

_I couldn't look him in the face for days._

 

Kongju pushes her way further into Kai's arms, her wet nose rubbing in his face as she moves, tail thumping on the couch.

“Kongju, sit still!” One hand holds the book up, protecting the pages, and the other pushes against Kongju's chest as he snaps the order. She whines and licks his face a few times before obeying and lying heavily across his lap. The weight is comforting as he turns the page.

The black paper feels rougher against his fingers now, and there's a tickle in his throat at the picture centered on the left-hand page. The seven of them – Minseok, Luhan, Baekhyun, Kai, Tao, Kris, and Lay– they're all in too big sweatshirts, most of them wearing sand covered jeans, and the ocean breeze has swept their hair up and up and up – are all laughing, smiles bigger than their faces and Kai can feel the chill from that day sunk deep into his bones, even now. As he moves his attention over to Baekhyun's writing, his thumb covers a pair of smiles – Luhan and Minseok, heads together, arms around each other, but they were always like that, off the field at least.

The black ink is dark against the white page. _We were stupid…_

 

“We were stupid to come out here,” Tao moaned. “It's too cold to swim and there's nothing to do but stand out on the beach.”

His pouting was largely ignored in favor of setting a blanket out on the sand and distributing sandwiches. It had been a long drive to make it to the beach, and they were all hungry. Tao's mood would clear up once he had a little bit of food in him. Somewhere within lunch, the conversation turned to the ocean, and what it pity it was they couldn't swim in it. To make up for it, the suggestion was made – losers of Rock, Paper, Scissors had to go swim. With disgusted groans Kai and Baekhyun quickly lost. While they went down the water, the others sat and chatted.

Baekhyun only wandered in to the water to his waist, the cold water freezing all the way to his bones. Teeth chattering, arms rubbing on himself, he tried to stay in long enough for it to count as 'swimming'. Kai, on the other hand, decided that if he was going to get in the water, he was going to get wet, and dove in head-first. To his determination, the cold water wasn't too much of a problem. Eventually he swam near Baekhyun, who was still freezing and chattering, wishing that they could just get out of the water soon. The cold water shocked Kai's lungs as he dove under, intent giving Baekhyun a scare.

Instead of the shock of cold hands grabbing his ankles underwater, Baekhyun received the shock of Kai going under the water and not coming up for what seemed like far too long. In a panicked reaction, Baekhyun splashed over to where Kai had gone under, finally braving the cold water enough to throw his hands in, searching for the other boy. He managed to catch hold of Kai and pull his head above water, where the boy coughed a little and managed to breathe again. With the concern in mind, Baekhyun helped Kai to the land, where the two were greeted by towels and a seat and cocoa from a thermos. After the initial shock and panic had died down, a phone was procured and a selfie was taken of all of the boys. Minseok and Luhan were hanging on each other; Tao, arm stretched out to hold the camera, was sitting alone, but close to Kris, avoiding the dripping boys as much as possible; Lay was barely in the frame, looking like his attention had been gotten for just that moment; Kris was smiling, but also just trying to avoid the boys in the center – Kai and Baekhyun. The two were completely soaked, hair and clothes plastered to their bodies and towels wrapped around their shoulders; cups of cocoa were clenched in their hands, but all of the boys looked so very happy.

 

_Only idiots would swim in water that cold._

 

Irritated by Kongju's whining, Kai pushes her off of his lap. “Go out, girl.” She stares at him for a moment before plodding off to wait at the door. He pats her head as he grabs for her leash, and is surprised when she ducks away from him and steps backwards. “Do you need to pee? Then let's go out.” She whines at him, pushes at the door again, and, getting no further responses from Kai, curls back up on the couch.

He sighs and sits back down next to her. “What was that about, girl?”

She huffs at him and slowly wags her tail.

He picks the book back up, turning to the next page. An old recipe rubs under his fingers and he starts to read the next memory. _It was the first time…_

 

It was the first time Baekhyun had come to Kai's apartment. Kai was in the kitchen, trying to make supper without accidentally feeding Kongju, who insisted on bumping into his hips every time he tried to move. He was nervous – he and Baekhyun had only known each other a few weeks, but they'd been getting on very well, and, upon finding out that the other would be left alone over the weekend while his friends were on a business trip, Kai invited him over for the day. It was a fine idea until Kai realized that the two would probably need food, and he couldn't cook much at all.

He was making what little he could when there was a knock at the door. Hastily leaving the stove and throwing a “stay” at Kongju, he ran over to the door and pulled it open.

“Welcome, come in, come in,” he said, backing up to let Baekhyun in, twisting a hand in his apron. “You can just leave your shoes here – there's nowhere specific they need to go – and I do have some spare slippers if you -” A sharp bark interrupted his nervous words and he cursed, having forgotten to turn the burner off.

As he ran back into the kitchen, the acrid smoke of a towel burning filling the air, Kongju came running out of the kitchen to investigate the visitor. Distracted, Kai didn't have time to give her sharp “stop” before he heard the clack of her nails on the wood floor as she launched herself with a happy bark at Baekhyun.

Throwing a plate over the towel which, while technically not on fire, was still smoking, Kai ran back to the main room.

“Kongju! Off!” He grabbed onto her collar and wrestled her great mass off of the visitor. “I'm so sorry. We're still working on appropriate behaviour around guests.”

Baekhyun sat up, rubbing his chest. “That is a big dog.”

“Yes, she is. Are you okay?” Kai had one hand on Kongju's collar and the other hovering above Baekhyun, anxious to make sure that he was okay, but too awkward to touch him.

“I'm fine, I'm fine.” He groaned as he stood up. “How big _is_ she?”

“She's only about 40 kilos, but when it all lands on you like that… I'm so sorry. Are you sure you're okay?”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun started to laugh. “I wasn't expecting that.”

Kai was laughing too. Once the two had calmed a little, Kai sent Kongju to her crate and asked Baekhyun through to the kitchen, where a couple of chairs and an end table made for a makeshift dining table. Apologizing for the setup, which Baekhyun assured him was fine, Kai brought out the dinner he had prepared: hotdogs and crisps. There had been beans to accompany, but they had been lost to the fire.

The food was good, for being so slapdash and cheap, and Baekhyun thought that it was sweet Kai would go to the lengths to cook when he so obviously didn't usually. Baekhyun commented on the size of the apartment, and it's cleanliness. When they finished eating, Kai just dumped the plates in the sink and the two moved back into the main room to hang out.

 

_And the whole place smelled just like Kai._

 

Kai turns the page, sparing a glance for Kongju, who has settled her head on her paws and is just staring at him. He's confused by the four-leaf clover that falls from between the pages, picking it up and letting it twirl between his fingers. Baekhyun's penmanship is shakier than previously here, but it is still perfectly legible. _It started pouring…_

 

It started pouring, on that summer day. The sky had gone from beautiful, light, clear blue, to a roiling grey in a matter of moments, catching the boys by surprise. They yelled as they ran for the nearest shelter, hands over their heads.

They sat in a corner of the bathroom facing the doorway; here they were far enough from the opening not to get wet, but close enough that it wasn't the grossest part of the bathroom. The rain was very loud on the tin roof – they were in a nature preserve or the like, and the bathrooms weren't terribly high-tech. Thunder started rolling fairly quickly and Baekhyun nervously played with a four-leaf clover he had picked, twisting the stem between the pads of his fingers and tugging gently at the leaves while Kai tried to make small talk. Eventually the two both quieted and just sat to wait out the storm. Baekhyun was incapable of sitting still and quiet for very long, though, and started singing under his breath. When Kai realized where the noise was coming from, he asked Baekhyun if he sang much. Baekhyun said he didn't, and was flattered when Kai complimented his voice and asked him to sing some more.

The storm was long and loud, but their little space was peaceful and calm. Baekhyun asked Kai if he would dance, since Baekhyun had been singing, but Kai said there wasn't enough room and he wasn't good enough yet. As the storm died down, Kai helped Baekhyun stand up and the two stood at the doorway, watching the way the grey parted for the warm yellow of the summer sun.

 

_It was worth the hoarse voice for that little moment of calm._

 

It's starting to get a little unnerving, the way the Kongju is just sitting and staring at Kai, and he spares her a little pat as he goes to turn the page. She whines at his hand on her head, tail completely still. He thinks that she's finally worn herself from her whining. He turns his attention back to the book, expecting a small photo or memento and a short memory, like the rest of the pages. Instead, he is greeted by two pages covered by small, glinting, silver handwriting. Squeezed onto the page, the memory begins. _It was obsidian…_

 

It was obsidian stone, cut precisely, all sharp edges and glimmering faces, weighing in his stomach, slicing open his lungs. Baekhyun curled onto his bed, disregarding the papers scattered there – grade cards covered in red, papers never completed, rent reminders and bills – and pulled his knees to his chin, wrapping his hands around his stomach tightly. The pressure wasn't as comforting as he had hoped, but it was better than nothing, and at least this way his innards wouldn't be able to spill out when the knives inside of him inevitably slit him open. Everything was black, was black, was black and weighted, pressing on his head and his eyes and his skin until he wanted to cry – to scream – to sob from the pain. He shuddered as his fingers scrabbled at his sides, trying to find something to hold on to as his mind told him he was falling falling falling. The buzz of his phone echoed in his head, filling the space between his ears and he didn't care because at least it was louder than the thoughts echoing there. Lacking the energy to even think of answering, he pressed his forehead into his knees. If asked, he couldn't have said whether his eyes were closed or the world had just gone black.

All of his focus, all of his energy, went to the pain of the obsidian in his abdomen. It jabbed into his lungs, making him gasp for breath. It stabbed his heart, making it beat erratically. It sliced his veins open, filling his lungs. It punctured his arteries, coating his organs. He thought he was drowning. He thought he was dying.

He thought it might be easier – better – that way.

And then there was a click at the door – barely recognized in the fog of his mind, barely distinguished from the echoes already there – and it swung open quietly. Kai's feet moved quickly, quietly. The door was shut and he had made it to Baekhyun's bed, not that it was far, the studio apartment was so small, so small.

And Baekhyun was so small with his knees at his chest and his forehead tilted to meet them and his arms hugging himself so tightly. Kai hurriedly set the bag in his hands down on the floor and grabbed a pillow off of the floor. He propped it against the headboard of the bed and slid his hands under Baekhyun.

If Baekhyun looked small, shivering on his bed, he felt even smaller in Kai's arms. He was so thin, like he hadn't eaten properly in weeks, like he would break if Kai held him too tightly. Kai's strong hands sat Baekhyun up so, so carefully and, with great effort, Baekhyun opened his eyes. Unfocused, they watched Kai bend back down to pick up the bag, sit back down on the bed.

He felt, rather than saw, something small and warm pressed into his hands. His fingers were forced around something small, thin, metallic. Kai's worried eyes watched as Baekhyun simply sat there, fingers limp around the bowl, spoon falling, splashing soup onto their pants. It was a soft motion when he reached out to take back the dishes, ever so carefully pulling them from Baekhyun's hands, which released them far too easily.

Baekhyun's mouth opened reflexively when the warm metal of the spoon pressed against it, lips parting just enough for Kai to tip the soup in. A few more bites and Baekhyun's eyes focused and his hand came to grab the spoon. Kai helped him with first few bites, then let him feed himself, staying close to him, one hand at his back, the other hovering to assist if needed.

Once Baekhyun had finished the soup, some small colour returning to his cheeks and his eyes losing their focus again, Kai pulled the bowl away from him. Picking him up again, Kai helped Baekhyun lay down, carefully arranging the small boy to be as comfortable as possible. He pulled the covers up to Baekhyun's chin and smoothed down his hair, rubbed his back gently.

“Baek,” Kai's voice was a little rough, very hushed. “Baek, I'll stop by after practice. Try to get some sleep, all right?”

Baekhyun stared blankly at the wall as Kai locked the door behind himself.

 

_It was still so empty._

 

Stunned, Kai turns the page quickly. His eyes fall immediately upon the perfectly formed words and he begins to read. _People always say that hospitals are too white…_

 

People always say that hospitals are too white. As Baekhyun opened his eyes, he learned why. The white walls and floor and sheets blinded him, scared him, feeling too close to his own mind. He was so sore, all over, but especially his head and – his throat. _His throat_. It burned as he breathed; it burned as he swallowed. His eyes watered at the pain and he tried to reach up to brush them off, but was met with resistance. Something was tugging on his arm, in his hand, and it hurt to move against it. He mewled against the pain, voice rasping and catching and tearing his throat raw again. There was a noise to his right; he turned his head as much as possible and was stunned to see Kai jerking awake, one hand rubbing at his eyes as he leaned forward, worried eyes darting across Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was confused, but he found his voice first, rasping out against his raw throat, “What's going on?”

Kai rubbed the back of his neck, eyes darting to the door. “I don't know if – I don't think – I don't know, Baekhyun.” He sighed, eyes never leaving Baekhyun's face, fingers twisting at his jacket. “Do you, ah, do you remember? Anything?”

Baekhyun shook his head, but his concern had been mounting with every word out of Kai's mouth because he didn't usually sound so scratchy. So destroyed.

“Okay. They – the doctors – they said that might happen. I'll go get a nurse, just wait here.” And with that, Kai left the room, returning a moment later with a nurse.

A bevy of doctors followed – physicians and surgeons and psychiatrists and psychologists – and they examined Baekhyun and asked him questions he couldn't answer, couldn't answer. Eventually, one of them, seeing Baekhyun's distress, patted his leg and, on his way out of the room, said, “I think this might go better if you explain things to him.”

Kai stared after him, hands gripping his knees and eyes wide, before sinking back into himself. He coughed, clearing his throat, but his voice still came out rough, strangled. “Do you really not remember anything?”

“I don't. Why, what happened?” His heart rate was accelerating as he began to panic, fueled by Kai's nervousness.

Kai sighed and dropped his eyes, taking a moment to collect himself before speaking in that strangled voice. “Baekhyun, you – I – we don't know if it was intentional, or an accident, or - ,” he closed his eyes and breathed out harshly. “You tried to kill yourself.”

Baekhyun's eyes scrunched, mouth opening and closing soundlessly as he tried to process this information. “What?”

“You – you,” Kai inhaled sharply, “you tried to kill yourself. I came back from practice, I was going to check on you, get you to eat something, but...” He shuddered and shook his head, trying to roll out the stress, avoid the tears. “Bleach. You'd – bleach – and all I could do – I called 119. You don't remember anything?”

“No.” Baekhyun huddled in on himself, mind reeling at this information. “Why would I...that...why? Why?”

Kai shook his head. “I don't know.” After a moment's pause, he cleared his throat and spoke again, voice rasping. “Baek, I know it's not the best time, but...”

He was terrified of what this might be. “What?”

“There was a plane crash, Baek. Yesterday. Early yesterday morning. It was a flight, Beijing to Seoul and it crashed. Five survivors.”

His brain wasn't working. The information refused to process. There was no way Kai was saying what he thought he was saying. It wasn't possible. There was too much. It was too much. The world couldn't be that cruel.

“Baekhyun, are you listening to me?” Kai's voice caught in his throat and it took a minute to come unstuck, turning sideways on its way up and strangling him. “Baekhyun, I said they're dead. Kris and Luhan and Tao. Their plane crashed and they died.”

Baekhyun knew he should probably have some kind of reaction, but all he felt was numb. “And Lay?”

“He's not dead, yet. He's hurt really badly, but he's not dead.”

The room was silent save for the beeps of the machines Baekhyun was hooked to, the machines making sure he was alive.

“Baekhyun,” Kai's voice broke and he started to shake, hunching over into himself, “You – you knew about the crash, before you – before you,” he choked, a sob escaping in a rushed gasp. “They're already gone. Why would you leave, too?”

Baekhyun caught him as he collapsed, sobbing.

 

_This I survived._

 

 _This I survived._ The words are written above a hospital bracelet – Baekhyun's hospital bracelet. Kai rubs at his neck, trying to loosen the stress from his shoulders. He remembers that day – those days, really, it took hours for Baekhyun to wake up, and then he had to stay overnight again – in the hospital.

He whistles at Kongju, who lifts her head at the noise. “Come here, girl,” he pats his lap.

She whines as she stretches and plods into his lap. She's big enough she barely has to sit up to lick his face. Restless again, she lies nicely in his lap but whines and growls and hits her tail on the sofa.

Kai doesn't think anything about it; she's an active dog who likes attention. Sometimes she gets like this. He turns the page, the pain of the last memory still raw and piercing his heart. This page is comparatively empty. There's a ticket stub – some concert they'd gone to, a year past, that was way too loud and the mics weren't balanced correctly because the band was new and had shit sound guys. _It was way too cold…_ the memory begins, and Kai laughs, startling Kongju, because it was. It was freezing that day.

 

It was way too cold for a walk, but they'd still decided to go. The concert had ended less than an hour previous, and Baekhyun's ears were still ringing, but the river was beautiful. Baekhyun laughed as Kai tried to surreptitiously warm his fingers under his arms. While both of them had remembered scarves, neither had thought to bring proper gloves. Still grinning, Baekhyun grabbed Kai's wrist and brought it to his face. He exhaled gently on the frozen fingers, letting his warm breath warm them through. Too focused on Kai's hands to notice his face, Baekhyun failed to notice how focused Kai's gaze was. He failed to notice how much Kai wondered what Baekhyun's lips feel like.

“Tuck them in your scarf,” Baekhyun said, demonstrating with his free hand. “They'll stay warmer that way.”

Kai quickly retracted his hand to follow the advice. They walked a little more, Baekhyun chattering and Kai watching Baekhyun, the way he looked out at the river and the lights like a little kid, the way he skipped a little when he walked in the cold, the way his hands tucked into his scarf like paws.

He looked soft and Kai reacted to something that he hadn't known was in him. Grabbing Baekhyun's arm, Kai stopped their walking, looked at Baekhyun, even and determined and little scary, and, taking advantage of Baekhyun's confusion, pressed their lips together.

It only lasted a second, little more than a brush of the lips, and Kai pulled back, bright red and refusing to meet Baekhyun's eyes.

 

_It only lasted a second, and I wanted more._

 

Kai jumps at Kongju's sharp bark. She stares up at him, dark eyes wide and sorrowful, and whines. The noise pierces Kai like a needle.

“Shh, girl, it's okay. You're safe. We're safe. Lie, girl. Kongju, lie down.” His tone is placating and the orders are sharp and clear and she has to obey him, but she doesn't seem happy about it. Her tail is down and so are her ears as she slides herself off of the couch to lie on the floor. “That's it, girl. Stay.”

Kai turns the page and is met by a brilliant yellow decorating the borders of the pages, framing a picture – a selfie – of him and Baekhyun together at a performance. The handwriting, sloppier than usual, written quickly, in excitement, scattered with emojis, is also in that yellow, that yellow which pops so much against the matte black of the page. _He moved like water…_

 

He moved like water on stage. Where some of the other dancers were all right angles and sharp movements, Kai flowed in every motion, a grace attributed to his classical training, but Baekhyun thought that maybe that grace was really just an intrinsic part of the man.

There was a group dance. There were a few actually, but Baekhyun didn't notice because all he could see was Kai. Kai in that brilliant yellow spotlight that was a little too bright and a little too strong and hurt to see, but it was a good hurt because somehow that light _was_ Kai and Baekhyun wasn't sure whether the light was shining on Kai or from him.

And Baekhyun watched the way Kai's feet skipped across the floor, never touching anywhere they didn't intend, never giving anything more than necessary. And Baekhyun watched Kai's arms flow, pulling the rest of his body after them, forcing him into perfection. And Baekhyun watched Kai's torso twist and turn and place just so, connecting the feet to the arms to the face that was contorting with emotion and completing the performance.

And Baekhyun _looked_ at Kai and just _knew_ that this man he loved and this man he would always love and it pierced straight through him, but he didn't feel like he was bleeding.

After the performance, when the lights had died and the dancers became but human once again, Baekhyun found Kai. He found him with a giant grin on both of their faces. Baekhyun grabbed Kai into a hug, and it was hot and sweaty and stank because dancing is a lot of work, but it was perfect, the way they fit together. Baekhyun pressed his face into Kai's neck, trying to feel this man and trying to be felt by this man, before pulling back with his face obscured by a smile.

“You were fantastic,” he said and meant every word.

Kai pulled him back into the hug, crushing him in his arms, thanking him.

They went out for ice cream after Kai had washed and changed, sitting together in a booth, daring each other to try increasingly strange flavours. Baekhyun begged for barbeque afterward and Kai relented; the meat was good but the company was better. It was a late night to follow, with video games late into the night at Kai's. They sat together on the couch, feet touching in the center, Kongju spread heavily across their laps.

It was everything Baekhyun could have wished for, but more, and he decided that – that light? - that was emitted by Kai, it had to have been, because it was still there. Baekhyun wondered how the world existed without Kai in it. Baekhyun knew he loved that brilliant yellow.

 

_And this man? - This man I love and love and love._

 

He has never realized how much that day meant to Baekhyun. To him, it had been just another day. To Baekhyun, it had obviously been so much more. Kai goes to turn the page only to be startled by Kongju jumping up. She stands at the arm of the couch, alert and on watch. She's bred to guard, so the behaviour is not unusual. Kai pats her on the head and stretches himself down across the couch. _Kai didn't hurt himself a lot…_

 

Kai didn't hurt himself a lot, but when he did, he'd sit on the couch with a good book and ice down the injury. Baekhyun had gotten used to this routine, choosing to plop himself down next to Kai anytime the book came out. On this day, Kai had his foot resting on the coffee table, an ice bag sitting on his knee and a thick blue book in his hands. Baekhyun settled next to him to watch some TV. Quietly, quietly, of course.

After a while, Baekhyun grew bored and began to mess with Kai. It was a game. How far could he go before Kai snapped?

He never found out. As Baekhyun was messing with Kai, Kongju walked into the room and, seeing Baekhyun's actions, decided the boy wanted to play. Taking a running start, she attempted to jump over Kai's leg and land on Baekhyun's lap, but she was just too big.

She crashed into Kai's leg, pushing him over and down on to Baekhyun. Both boys toppled to the ground and Kongju, thinking it looked like great fun, jumped on top of the pile. The boys were pushed together by the massive weight of the dog and both blushed at the position.

 

_That dog is really too big._

 

Kongju whines at the door. Kai turns the page. _Kai was fast asleep..._

 

Kai was fast asleep as Baekhyun slipped out of bed in the morning. Last night had been a bad night for him; luckily, Kai was always willing to let Baekhyun crash in his bed. He wandered over to the shower, quickly scrubbing down with Kai's body wash – which he loved doing, loved the way he smelled like Kai for the rest of the day – and cleaned his hair. He barely bothered to finish drying off before smearing on some makeup. He had gotten very good at putting on the makeup; it was nearly always perfect. Lazily, he headed out of the bathroom to scrounge some clothes up from Kai's dresser. He sang absentmindedly, habit directing his actions far more than reason.

Baekhyun wasn't far into the bedroom before a pillow met his face. There wasn't much time to be offended, though, as his boyfriend slid out of bed after the pillow and crawled across the floor to plant his face in Baekhyun's side.

“I let you stay here,” he mumbled groggily. “You let me sleep.”

Baekhyun pulled at Kai's hair in irritation. Kai retaliated by pulling on the man's legs, knocking him to the ground. Laying on top of him, Kai pet Baekhyun's thigh and started kissing at Baekhyun's side, at the perfect, straight scars that traced down his side.

The kisses were tired, quiet, soft. With each kiss, Kai muttered “I love you” in to Baekhyun's side in his rough, just woken voice. Kai was so happy the scars weren't fresh.

 

_I could have stayed like that forever._

 

There are only two pages left in the book. Kai ignores Kongju as she whines at the door in favor of reading the next page. _Kai rubbed his ass..._

 

Kai rubbed his ass. His voice was incredulous as he addressed Baekhyun. “What the fuck!?”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, sitting back on his heels. “I once bit Sehun's but while he was sleeping.”

Kai scoffed. “That's supposed to make me feel better?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“You were awake.”

Kai stared. He could not believe the words coming out of Baekhyun's mouth right now.

Baekhyun quickly backpedaled at the lack of response. “You could have stopped me!”

Kai glared daggers at him.

Baekhyun instinctively covered his crotch.

“Fuck you, Byun Baekhyun.”

The bathroom door slammed shut behind Kai.

 

_As ways to fuck up go, that was, at least, funny._

 

Kongju has given up her whining, choosing instead to stand at the door and stare at Kai. Thankful for the quiet, Kai settles into the soft cushions, briefly closing his eyes and stretching his arms. It's been a long day already, but he's enjoying the memories as he goes through Baekhyun's book. As he turns the page, his fingers catch on a paperclip, dislodging a paper that's been hastily added.

The paper is old and grey and torn from something else, edges rough and fraying. On it is that handwriting, always so familiar, Baekhyun's neat lines, but here it wanders and shakes, as if trying to find its way in the dark. Kai's hand involuntarily shakes as he straightens the page.

It takes less than a moment for the lines to register in his brain, the black searing into his retinas, hovering in his vision even when he glances away for a split second, wishing – hoping – praying – that he is mistaken. The words are wrong, so wrong, they _aren't_ Baekhyun, but they have to be because the black lines are his handwriting, absolutely.

The second glance confirms the words and the book is falling falling falling.

_I'm sorry_

There's a thud as the couch rocks backwards and falls back on its feet.

_I'm_

There's a crash as the coffee table tips over, the days-old mugs shattering on the floor.

_so_

There's a slam as the door smashes shut behind him.

_sorry_

There's a whine as Kongju pushes her head against the dark wood, waiting.

_Kai_

The book sits, splayed open to that brilliantly yellow page and waits with her.

_This isn't to hurt you_

The elevator is too slow for Kai's impatience, terror and he flies down the stairs instead, jumping to the landing from halfway up, swinging around on the handrail, counting the flights.

_I don't want to hurt you_

6…5...4...3...2...1

_It's just too much_

He smashes through the doors at the ground floor, startling the lone woman in the lobby at this time of night. He jumps over her bag and fumbles at the front door handle.

_I can't do this_

It's a twenty minute walk with good traffic to Baekhyun's, but he makes it in five.

_I can't do it_

He pounds on the elevator button, but the damn thing is broken _again._

It's eight flights of stairs and he thinks his chest is going to burst but he makes it to Baekhyun's door.

_It's too much, Kai_

His vision's blurring from sweat and tears and adrenaline and he can't find the right key and his stone fingers drop it and it won't go in the lock and the door finally, finally creaks open.

_I'm so, so sorry_

The white floor is red-flecked – blood, slowly congealing. It freezes Kai in the doorway.

_I've been fighting this for years_

His heart stops as his eyes track the dull-red blood.

_But sometimes the dragon wins_

A knife on the counter, blood dried on the handle, dripping off the blade.

_And I'm not the dragon_

A rope, unused, unused, lying next to the knife like an afterthought.

There's so much blood.

_Don't try to do anything_

So much.

So much and it's pooled on the floor and Kai doesn't want to look. Doesn't want to see.

_You've done everything you can_

Doesn't want to see Baekhyun, splayed on the floor like a broken doll.

_You've done everything you should have_

Doesn't want to see Baekhyun's eyes glazed as they stare at the door.

_Thank you for everything_

Doesn't want to see how still the boy's chest is.

_There's nothing left to do_

Doesn't want to see doesn't want to see doesn't want to _hurt._

_I love you_

Kai's heart stops.

_This time, too late._

**Author's Note:**

> [talk to me](http://elliesword.tumblr.com/ask)


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